Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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