the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Vodka?
Forever.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
