the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Randomize
