Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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