I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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