I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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