i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
