just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
