Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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