her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
