i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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