Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
