finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
