Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
be right there i have to get my cape
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
