So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Did I show you my penis last night?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
