Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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