So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
