so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
