I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
