There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
