i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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