were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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