I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
