This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
