soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
