oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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