i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
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