She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
