After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
