Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
