when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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