I can tuck mytits in my pants
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
