Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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