I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
