I can tuck mytits in my pants
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
