I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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