you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
