I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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