he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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