whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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