so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
