The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
