I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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