I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
