hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
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