I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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