i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want nice things and good sex
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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