called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
