I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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