Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
